Cosmo

Singapore is the most advanced civilization on earth.  How do I know this?

Not because of it's embracing of cultures and religions,
modern infrastructure and public transport,
multitudes of tasty affordable food,
the throngs of Lamborghinis lacing the streets,
nor that it might just well be the ultimate cosmopolitan city.

No.

I know this because their national airline gave me a real knife with my meal on my flight to Shanghai.






Actually, scratch that.  I can't pause my inflight movie.  `_´

ProTip: Stop Drop and Roll

This is the first and possibly the last time I will write an entry in complete seriousness.  

I had to do a massive repack today and give away a near new pair of shoes and a bunch of clothes to the Salvation Army for no other reason than I am an idiot.  I decided to re-pack my bag using the "Military Roll" as described here:  http://riroads.com/travel/how_to_pack.htm and yes - it actually works!  My backpack is now so roomy I'm going to have a party in it later tonight!

Table for one please.

*Intermission*

So it turns out that in China none of the free VPN services work anymore to access the Facebooks and the Blogspots or the Google Pluses of the Internets so I can only post updates via text email.

With that in mind - I apologize for not being able to add pictures to most of the posts while I'm here - only plain, boring old text - so I might save some until I get access to a computer that can reroute the encryption conduits using their Telnet hacking software (I've seen it in movies - I know how it works).  I also apologize for any spelling misteakes or errors as I can't edit them after the fact. 

And before you suggest - I don't really trust all of the people who run free proxies to behave and not steal passwords etc.  Sure most of them will be fine - but there'll definitely be a few bad apples in there.

ProTip: It pays to be a little paranoid when it comes to the internet.  Some people are dicks.

Luxury Absentis

Despite all this extremely affordable food, cheap transport, and free entertainment, to stretch the travel funds I'm still relegated to setting up camp in the largest mixed dorms available in the most affordable least shitty accommodation - which brings me to the raison d'être for this entry's title:

When one gives up their home, their job, their security, their  monotony of daily nine to five life - you can no longer indulge in the simplest of hedonistic pleasures without offending all those around you.   That is to say - farting in bed.  Can you die from not farting?  I hope not.  The doctor didn't give me a jab for absentis ventus.  If it doesn't escape will it eventually come up the other way??  I hope not - it could be a wet one.

Someone please enlighten me.

Am I becoming wiser?  Am I learning more about myself and the world I can live in? I don't think I can answer that.  Definitely not more mature as I just wrote about farts.
All I can say is… I had another large curry before hopping on the overnight train again :/

On a Whim - Part II

Superior Class.  Now doesn't that sound lovely!  I'm sharing a two man seat with a rather roundish Malay who's using pieces of newspaper as a blanket and sleeping mask.  Good idea!!  Two minutes later and I have a Serato tshirt over my face (where do they keep coming from?) and am using a long sleeved shirt as a blanket (I can't afford a newspaper).

The life of a high-roller

8 hours later after stopping. at. every. single. station. south. of. KL. and it's 7:30am at Sentral Station.  Cool!  I've never been to Malaysia before.  Catching the light rail to Chinatown you can see beautiful middle-eastern style architecture everywhere!  Burkas everywhere!  KFC everywhere!  Just like that, southeast asia just got a whole lot more muslim.  Fascinating!  The next 20 hours or so are spent wandering the city - Chinatown,  Little India, the touristy hawker food district, climbing the rather steep and large hill with KL tower on it (I'm a sucker for punishment).  It's a fascinating city - a real mishmash of cultures, peoples, and KFCs.

The result of masochism

Hot Kuala Lumpiur is Hot.  I'm not sure why I haven't turned into a prune yet -  I'm pretty sure I'm not drinking as much fluid as I'm sweating out.  Using deductive reasoning I have ascertained that the locals haven't all shrunk into teeny tiny balls of prune skin because - unlike us - they are not walking around in the daytime and climbing small mountains in the midday heat.

Not Prunes

The next day and I catch the train with an entourage of very lovely ladies* to one of the big tourist attractions in KL - the Batu Caves.  Press your destination on the ticket machine.  Only 1 ringgit!!  Sweet as!  I think I'm going to like this place.  One train ride later and we're at the Batu caves.

Actual pic of train ride

Free entry to the temple in the cave - I really do think I'm going to like this place.  We are greeted by a humungous statue in front of a large flight of steps leading into the cliff-face.  Damn it's big.

That's what she said.

Oh look at the cute monkeys!!  Monkeys are hanging out at the top of the steps posing for pictures.  I like monkeys!  So cute.  Apparently if you don't have food on you they tend to ignore you and do their own thing.  A short cavewalk later past some shrines and there is a central "room" with a pretty impressive hole looking upward.

A Hole

A tribe of 20 or so monkeys are hanging out on the cliff wall being cute. Look! A baby monkey eating some kind of nut!  Cute!!
Ooh look another baby sucking on an iceblock stick!  Super cute!  I like monkeys!!

An indian lady in a sari screams and runs past a monkey.  Ha ha.  Silly lady - scared of the cute monkeys.  I like monkeys.

Time to head back now.  Aargh something scratched my leg!!  You little shit!  Now it's climbed up and grabbed onto my wallet pocket!!  You little shit!  I let out a manly yelp and run forward as the monkey jumps onto a handrail and bares his teeth at me.  You little shit.  I hate monkeys.

Little Shit.

Now they're everywhere at the top of the stairs back down to the train station.  Evil little things - just waiting to claw you limb from limb, staring at you with their soulless eyes.

It probably wants to mug you

The terrifying descent begins - flanked by the tiny demons of the Batu Caves.  I can feel their gaze burning into the back of my head.

Just look straight ahead.

Climb.

Don't look back.

Most of us probably won't make it back alive.  I just hope one of us survives so we can warn the world of the terror of the Monkey Terror of the Batu caves.

Victims flee in desperation

Pictured: Absolute Terror

Now all we need to do is make it past the horrific "Man with the Two Large Snakes" and we are safe and sound back on the train.

Sorry Ladies

And hot-damn the food is cheap here!  Around NZ$2-3 for a decent meal.

I like this place.


*sorry Adam - you've been relegated to one of the babes to make me sound more pimpin'

On a Whim - Part I

Good morning Kuala Lumpur!  I'm not sure what day it is.  Is it my second or first day?  My mind and body are confused.  Hey, at least I have free toast for breakfast!

Rewind the tape.  Press play.

You have now entered 36 hours ago.

Free toast for breakfast.  I'm sitting in my bunk uploading photographs to the internet[s] when two of my new roommates walk in.  To my untrained pakeha [read - white boy] eye I file them in the "miscellaneous asian" category until I know where they are from.


"Hello!"  I say.

"Hello!" Miscellaneous asian A greets back in a think accent (possibly Korean).
"Hello" Miscellaneous asian B says in a proper English accent.  My eyebrow goes up - I'm intrigued.
"Tell me more" I think.

"Where are you guys from?" I inquire so I can place them in a smaller box.

Make sure you get your travel shots first

"Korea" says Misc A.
"London" replies Misc B in that English accent again.  Not a "You 'right guvna?" accent, I'm talking Sophie Ellis Bextor.  An accent so sexy it must be written in italics.

"Hello, I'm from London".  At that point I may or may not have swooned. I'll leave that for you to decide*.

A day or two later, the girls are checking out, and Misc B (I know her name by now but I'm the boss of this story so deal with it) pops the question:
"Do you want to catch the train to KL with me?  I'm a bit nervous about traveling alone."

"Yeah that would be untrusting** eh.  I'm keen!".  Hell, I was planning on going anyway if I got bored in Singapore.

Fastforward one stressful day of catching a train 17 stops, finding a bus stop, catching the bus, purchasing a last minute ticket for the overnight train on a cheap seat, one bus trip, 17 stops again on the train, pack the bags, find a currency exchange for some ringgits, 17 stops on the train, one bus ride and a food court later and I'm enjoying some indian food at a Hawker Center near the border.

Pro-tip:  Don't eat curry before you hop on an 8 hour overnight train ride - you might get stuck between a rather round man sleeping under newspaper and a window.

To be continued...



PS.  Girl from the front desk of P&T - you know which one you are - thank you for being so nice and helpful with my last minute change of plans.


* For the record - manly men don't swoon, and as I am the manliest of manly men [no homo]*** I did not swoon.
**the official NZ phonetic spelling of 'interesting'.
*** http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=no%20homo

I, Gastronome

I'm staying in Singapore, staying in a lovely little hostel in Chinatown called Pillows and Toast.   Air con blasting, man across the way snoring, girl shouting in her sleep in Korean "[I am who I am!!!]" (- there's a literal existential nightmare if ever I saw one), I'm happy as larry and my feet are hanging off the end of the bunk.  Damn you asian people and your short predispositions.

Free toast for breakfast.

Rewind the tape for a few seconds.  Press play.  You have now entered six days into the past.

I fell in love today.

I knew it was going to be good when there was only one or two whiteys in the place.  Soon I see before me the largest, tastiest Dosai I've ever seen in my life with 3 different curry sauces to dip in.  Only $3.20 for a meal - throw in a Mango Lassi and I'm done for the night.

Gastronomic Sex

Please don't tell anyone about Komala Vilas restaurant in Little India Singapore.

(It's a good spot.)

Greetings from another world. Also - Spiderman.

I'm looking for the hook, the first act, the opening stanza - the point to suck you in.  I've been slack - procrastination maximus - away from home for two and a half months and not a single word written down.  What better time to start than now?  Lying down, feet on the wall in a sleeper bunk on a slow train to Singapore.  Damn you short asian people and your short ways.  Why can't you do the proper and polite thing and grow taller so that you can are forced to build sleeping berths that can accommodate a human being of "slightly above average for a white boy" height? 

Pictured: Not asian

Perhaps I should have started writing things down sooner.  Perhaps not - it might get in the way of a good yarn.  Many of the people I have met so far have their nightly ritual of jotting down notes in their journals before going to bed.  I guess the alternative way to put yourself to sleep is frowned upon in a 24 bed mixed dorm.

Sorry to bore you with this introduction - I promise my story will get better.   Hell, maybe I'll improve my writing skills as I go…  so let me get a few things out of the way first, and let's make it quick:

Quit Job, worked hard, moved out of apt, sold furniture and crap, gave away furniture and crap, threw away furniture and crap, couldn't bring self to sell car, leave girlfriend [sad :(] hop on plane.  I'm in Sydney - land of sun and beaches.  Naturally it rains for the next three weeks and is freezing cold.  I meet some really cool people, abuse couch sleeping privileges (go Matt!) and generally have a good time.  I spin some tunes in a club in the cross for 30 mins.  Apparently Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bel Air Theme isn't commercial enough for this "Got any Gaga?" crowd.  Oh well I'm having fun.  Saw some stuff.  Did some stuff, then I went to Melbourne and saw some more stuff, then went back to Sydney.

Stuff

Which brings me to Spiderman.  We're having some flat warming drinks at Oh who will not be named's new pad.  Oh who will not be named has been drinking with the rest of us, goes outside for a while only to find he's left his keys inside.  Naturally, the first thing that pops into one's head when you leave a party is "There is nobody inside the apartment full of people that I just left" and therefore Spidey decide that it's a good idea to try and climb up three floors to the balcony to get inside.  Luckily Spidey's fall is caught at the bottom.  Unluckily it was caught by his face.

Fast forward one long night, one broken wrist, fractured eye socket and cheek later and all is well.  He who will not be named is released from the hospital (even though he can barely walk or talk) in order to free up his bed as he is stuck on the waiting list for surgery.  Four hours later, and he coughs up a lovely gob of blood.  Back to the hospital again with you son.

"Oh - by the way we just ran some more tests and it turns out you have a punctured lung, pneumonia, and most of your ribs are broken".  "Oh and your other shoulder's a little bit broken too".

Hooray for public healthcare!

Climbing Dexterity

Now I've gotten that out of the way - we can travel off to places more exotic than Aussie - "Land of animals that kill you".